Lily White
by Marilynn Lucille
Summary: Upon Castiel's fall from grace, the Winchester brothers offer him his own living quarters in the bunker. The new mortal soon learns that emotions such as lust, love, and yearning can be all consuming. As an angel, Castiel controlled these emotions, but nothing could prepare him for what being human could make him feel. ...Comments, please!


**Lilly White**

The angel called Castiel had never felt anything but a call to do a duty for a father he'd never even laid eyes on. He was a willing and kind soldier. He followed everything he was told by the book and thought little of anything else.

That changed, however, when he was sent on a mission to save a mortal. This green eyed man would change Castiel's life for all of his eternity. He didn't know exactly what "feelings" were, until he met the broken human who felt he didn't deserve to live—the man with no faith—the sad and angry individual who Castiel had held tight against his chest and pulled from hell itself.

Dean Winchester was a walking, talking wreck.

Soon enough, Dean became the angel's best friend. More of a friend than his angelic "brothers and sisters" had ever been. Dean and his younger brother Sam were the only real family Castiel had ever known. They were the only ones who had given him forgiveness and second chances when he had nothing to offer in return.

It is true that an angel can be distracted and lust for others, no matter in what disfavor it is.

From his first official meeting of Dean, Castiel had felt those passé desires to comfort him, in more than a friendly way. He had wanted to please Dean. He had wanted to catch his eye every time he'd walk by, waiting for a sideways glance and smile from Dean.

Every time this happened, Castiel felt a slight tug from somewhere inside him. He could never quite explain the feeling Dean's sideways glances gave him, let alone the winking game Dean played with him. These were playful flirtations that only humans knew how to respond to and practice. Castiel tried to shove those feelings aside as an angel. He knew the temptation was heavy on his end, but he managed to keep what he felt for the man in check.

However, Castiel had lost his grace two weeks and three days ago, and had realized quickly that the emotions of lust, love, and yearning for another were impossible to ignore or even define. Maybe as an angel with grace, he could've always resisted, but now, as he sat across the table from the freckle faced young man who was studying out of three large books of lore, Castiel couldn't imagine a more beautiful sight. He couldn't imagine life without Dean. He couldn't imagine not being able to look upon his friend, to study his face, to simply bask in his presence.

Upon Castiel's fall, the brothers had offered him a room of his own in the bunker. Castiel, having nowhere else to go, acceptable graciously. He was weak and unable to care for himself in the mortal sense. Both brothers worked to nurture him back to health, and teach him most things human.

Dean, especially, had shown an innate sense of protection toward Castiel. It went as far as to be on the line of possessive. He never left Castiel's side.

Castiel didn't mind this. He felt safe, loved, and warm around Dean.

The first night after his fall, Castiel was weak and exhausted, but couldn't sleep no matter how hard he tried. Sam called this insomnia. Later the next night when the three men had said their goodnight and went to their separate bedrooms, Castiel heard a faint knock on his door a few moments later. He got out of the bed where he'd been staring at the wall, frustrated because he didn't even understand how to make himself sleep. Dean stood at the door with a book in his hands.

"Sammy used to have terribly insomnia, and I'd read him this. It'd knock his ass out." Dean said, holding out the book out so that Castiel could see it.

The cover read "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes." Castiel had never heard of that before, but he wanted Dean to be with him nonetheless. Dean dragged an uncomfortable wooden chair from the corner of the room and sat it next to Castiel's bed. He propped his feet up at the end of the bed and began to read.

Castiel laid on his side to face Dean in the dim light. He watched the hunter's perfect lips move as he read aloud the story that Castiel couldn't even concentrate on.

Dean's gruff, low voice was the most relaxing, comforting thing he'd felt in what could have been his eternity. Sooner than he wanted to be, he was asleep.

As soon as Castiel woke up, he had a splitting pain in his head. Sam called this a migraine.

Upon Dean finding that out, every morning he'd come to Castiel's room with a hot cup of sweetened coffee and three Tylenol.

Every night, until Castiel could sleep on his own, and every morning that Castiel woke with a migraine, that was the routine of the two men.

One late night in particular, was special to Castiel. As he was almost asleep with his eyes closed, Dean stopped reading. Castiel laid still as Dean moved to bring the covers closer to his neck.

Dean then kissed Castiel on the forehead and said "goodnight, angel" in a whisper.

Castiel remained silent and faked sleep because he didn't know how to respond to that. His body flooded with heat as he waited for the sound of the door to close. He then took a deep breath and felt the heat cover his whole body. He felt like mush inside, knowing that the hunter didn't tend to be the tender kind.

He laid there awake and uncomfortably squirming for hours wondering how such small contact between Dean and himself had been able to send him into a practical coma of vulnerability. The fallen angel was yearning for Dean, deep down in is worn soul.

Castiel had pined after Dean incessantly since his fall from grace. He'd always thought the stars, moon, and sun worked around the young man, but now it was hard to control, perhaps even impossible to control. Castiel felt himself fall deeper and deeper into these feelings with no outlet whatsoever.

Castiel was more than consumed. There was a monster in him wanting to break free, wanting to feel this man in every sense of the word. Castiel seemed to have an inborn want to make his friend happy.

He felt as though he defiled Dean with every thought he had of him. Castiel didn't know if it was "normal" to have such as strong attraction to another. He adjusted the hardness in his pajamas as he pondered Dean—this was an entirely new urge that happened whenever he thought of the hunter or watched him for too long. As an angel, Castiel had never fully felt the human body react outside of his control.

Castiel was embarrassed by this more than anything else. He was terrified that someone would see what he tried to conceal each time he was around Dean.

But, by far, it wasn't just lust. It was the fact that Dean could sometimes finish Castiel's sentences for him, and vice versa. It was how Dean's hand brushed against his when they would both reach for the same thing. It was the feeling of privilege and pure giddiness that he got every time he caught Dean looking his direction. It was the fact Castiel had been inside Dean's thoughts and saw briefly what battles he fought deep down.

As much as Castiel was broken, he still wanted to fix Dean. He wanted Dean to feel real love, the love that the Castiel couldn't help but believe was the strongest love anyone could ever imagine. His insides practically burst with longing for Dean—all of Dean—the good, bad, and ugly.

As the days passed, Castiel learned to sleep on his own. One morning when he awoke, there was no migraine. He got up before either of the brothers and made his own cup of coffee. It wasn't as sweet as Dean's, but it was tolerable. Dean came in the kitchen smiling at his friend.

"No more busting headache?"

"Not even a little."

"So you don't need my room service anymore?" Dean wiggled his eyebrows and winked at Castiel with a crooked smile.

The newly fallen angel kept his guard up constantly around Dean. The hunter made Castiel so nervous and jittery that he felt like there were fireflies roaming around in his stomach just to make him dizzy every time Dean spoke or gave a look in his direction.

Castiel wasn't stupid, naïve maybe, but not stupid.

He had seen enough of human interaction to know when someone was flirting. And he was sure that Dean flirted with him.

Sam went to bed early one evening, leaving Dean to search out lore. Castiel wasn't sleepy yet, so he fixed himself a snack and stayed with Dean as he got lost in his research. Dean always moved his lips, but made no sound when he was reading.

Castiel half ate his snack as he observed Dean's bow like lips from across the table. Dean took a note in messy handwriting and then shoved the top half of the pen in his mouth, chewing it gently. Castiel dropped a baby carrot as he watched this. Dean looked up and winked at him, asking why he wasn't tired.

"I'm hungry, not sleepy." Castiel said lamely, his mouth still slightly agape as he watched the hunter chew on the pen. Dean sometimes gave off such confidence that it was almost arrogant. He leaned back in his chair, playing aimlessly with the pen. Castiel couldn't help but stare back at Dean. He could see his tongue inch out as he fumbled the pen around in his mouth. Castiel got an alarming notion that the hunter knew exactly what he was doing as he gave an odd smile to Castiel.

He also knew that Dean was womanizing and straight as a string to the naked eye. This compelled Castiel to know why the hunter tortured him so. Castiel hid his own emotions very well, so he thought.

That was, until one evening, as he laid in bed writhing at the thought of Dean. He could no longer take the consuming hunger for the hunter, and decided to confide in Sam. Castiel considered this and realized that it would probably be an embarrassing mistake. After all, this was his love's brother, and at the very least, this would be grimacing and uncomfortable. But, next to Dean, Sam was all Castiel had.

There hadn't been a time when Sam hadn't had his back. Based on that alone, Castiel bit the bullet, got out of bed, and padded barefoot down the hall. He lifted a shaking hand to knock on Sam's bedroom door one late Sunday night.

It only took three light, consecutive _tap tap taps _before the young man opened the door.

"Cas…" He said with a raspy voice and paused to look at his watch.

"It's, like, 3am. What's wrong?" He asked, looking tired and worried.  
"I'd hoped I wouldn't wake you… I heard the television through the door." Castiel said, feeling stupid already.

"It's alright, I was half awake." Sam said with a smile. Sam had always been kind to Castiel, even the times when he didn't really deserve it. He trusted Sam.

Castiel stood there, lost in what to say, with a perplexed look on his face. Sam finally cleared his throat as if to bring Castiel back to life.

"I just need to talk to someone. To you." Castiel finally answered.

"I don't know about you, Cas, but I'm going to need some coffee if it's conversation time." Sam said with a yawn. Castiel followed his friend to the kitchen, sat at their table, and waited patiently for him to make his coffee. The smell of coffee made Castiel think of Dean.

Literally _everything _made him think of Dean. His infatuation had gotten so far out of hand that he was consumed by any and every thing about him.

A few moments later, Castiel accepted a cup of coffee from Sam. Sam sat across the table from Castiel and looked at him expectantly. Castiel didn't speak a word. Sam made a worried face. Castiel looked away.

"So, what's bothering you, Cas?" Sam started. "I'm here to listen."

"Your brother." Castiel said flatly.

"Yeah… He bothers us all, honestly." Sam said, chuckling lamely as if trying to ease what was clearly going to be an awkward conversation.

"I'm having feelings… Very odd feelings for Dean." Castiel in a low, blunt tone.

He may have been human, but his communication skills were still on a lower level than the usual. Before Sam could respond, Castiel spoke again.

"I think I might be in love with him." He blurted out.

Sam stared at his friend with a knowing smile on his face.

"I think you _know_ you're in love with him, Cas." Sam finally got a word in.

Castiel looked mortified and unsure as he raised his eyebrows at Sam, who kept a smug grin on his face the entire time they looked at each other.

"So you see my dilemma, then?" The fallen angel looked up to Sam with sad eyes.

"Yeah," Sam replied. "But I know things. I know his secrets. I've been stuck on this earth for him for over 30 years, I think I can read him pretty well." Sam said. He scratched the back of his head and mussed up his long hair. It was easy to see that Sam was uncomfortable to a point, but he didn't seem to have a second thought about helping his newly humanized friend.

Actually, he seemed oddly compelled to do so.

"You know he flirts with you, right?" Sam asked.

"I've noticed what I _thought _was flirting, but it's different from how he is with women."

"YEAH!" Sam said excitedly and his face lit up. "That's because he flirts with women just to get in their pants."

"I want him in my pants." Castiel said with a dead straight face, as if he'd just announced something as simple as "it's raining outside."

Sam choked on his coffee and gave a few heaving coughs before he settled.

"I didn't really need to know that, there, Cas." The young man laughed and washed his hands over his face, as if trying to get the image of something unpleasant out of his mind.

Sam composed himself and continued to speak.

"What I mean, Castiel, is that he flirts with those women for one thing. I don't think I need to explain to you what that "_one thing_" is…or do I?" He asked without a note of sarcasm in his voice.

"I don't think so…?" Castiel half stated and half asked.

"Sex, Cas. That's all my brother wants from the women. A good time, and then he can drive away from them." Castiel looked at Sam thoughtfully as he went on.

"He flirts with you differently because he doesn't want to just fuck you and leave you."

"So he doesn't want to have sexual relations with me?" Castiel concluded with a defeated look on his face as he stared into his coffee mug.

"How. On earth, did you deduce that?" Sam asked shaking his head making his shaggy hair whip around his face.

"You're literally how old, and this is your conclusion!?" Sam asked exasperatedly.

"I've honestly lost track of how old I am." Castiel said thoughtfully.

"CENTURIES old, Castiel. You are a centuries old being."

"But I've only been human for a few weeks, Sam." Castiel said lowly, his head practically buried in the mug now.

Sam's exasperation turned into what looked like pity as his face softened.

"I know." He said kindly.

"I don't even know what I'm experiencing. All of the feelings and emotions and what my body does when I'm around him, it's all new to me. It's all very severe and I don't know how humans deal with this." Castiel's said tensely.

"Cas. Don't _ever _tell me what your body does around my brother, okay?" Sam closed his eyes and lifted his head toward the ceiling as if he were praying for patience.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that, when Dean flirts gently, like he does with you, it really means something to him. He's not just playing you like he does those women."

Sam folded his hands together on the table. He demanded that Castiel get his face out of the mug and look at him.

"I know my brother. And I _know _he has feelings for you. Deep feelings."

Castiel's heart started beating rapidly.

"But how? I feel like a puppet on a string around him." Castiel said.

"He's afraid, Cas." Sam said solemnly. "I know you've seen into him. You've seen enough to know he feels vulnerable. And he feels that way around you, and only you."

"I'm the vulnerable one." Castiel argued. "I've never had any desires like I feel for Dean."

Sam gave a sort of shudder as Castiel was still sexualizing his brother.

"Look, I get it, okay? I can't imagine how intimidated you are about the thought of love or," Sam grimaced as he spoke the next words, "lust for him."

"But if you want him, you're going to have to make the first move, Cas."

"Dean will flirt you to death with and fill you with lust and confusion. But, at the bottom of it, it's like this: He is more afraid of rejection than anything. He won't try because of that fear. He'll lead you on until you go crazy. Until you either walk away from it because of your own fear, or you face it like a _real mortal man._" Castiel looked upset, a frown set on his face.

"I know it's not what you wanna hear, man. But it's the truth."

"Dean is a complex person. He knows what his heart wants, but he won't always go after it, because, as much as he puts on that arrogant and intimidating façade, he does have his own weaknesses. And you are his main one. You have been for almost as long as he's known you."

This information took Castiel by pleasant and terrifying surprise.

"Do you trust me, Cas?" Sam asked.

"Of course I do." Castiel replied.

"Then heed my advice. Step out of your comfort zone, stop being afraid, and go for it!"

"How do I overcome my fear?" Castiel asked, looking away.

"Sam, I've never even kissed anyone. I don't know what Dean will expect of me. I'm an idiot at being human."

"You're not an idiot." Sam reassured him.

"Give Dean hope. Flirt back. Don't be so shy. Snap out of the _idea _of being with him, and actually _be _with him. Trust me, he will know where to go from there."

At that moment, Castiel and Sam heard footsteps coming their way. They looked at each other and both froze.

"What the hell are you two doing up at this hour?" Dean asked grumpily, his hair messy and eyes struggling to adjust to the light.

"We were just having a chat. Couldn't sleep." Sam answered for the both of them.

"What is this, the friggin' Golden Girls?" Dean replied in a sleepy, annoyed tone. He then went to the refrigerator to search for something edible.

Sam gave Castiel an amused wink, grabbed the pen and paper sitting next to him on the table, scribbled something down and slipped it to Castiel before Dean could see. Castiel opened it to read "He's jealous that you're talking to me. Tear this note up." Castiel tore the note and crumpled it up in his palm, giving Sam a shy, but happy, look of understanding.

"Why stop the chat now?" Dean asked, plopping down a plat that held a half-eaten pie.

"Why the hell are we all awake?" He added.

Castiel and Sam looked at each other, not saying a word.

Castiel looked to Sam to fix this, but Sam had nothing, apparently.

"I actually got up for pie." Castiel finally said.

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Well you're not getting any of MY pie." He stated.

"Just a little?" Castiel asked, gazing at Dean an giving him a half smile.

"Get that puppy dog look off your face and grab a fork, for the love of god." Dean tried to sound gruff, but instead it humored Castiel.

Castiel grabbed a fork and sat in the chair next to Dean.

Sam stayed seated and watched the two of them interact.

"I just want a bite of the crust." Castiel said, diving his fork toward the crust.

"Hold on!" Dean said, blocking Castiel's fork with his own.

"That's the best part!" he argued.

"That's why I want it… Just a nibble." Castiel said pathetically. "I've never got to enjoy food before, and the crust is what I want."

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically and gave the entire plate to Castiel.

"There, Cas. Have some pie. I'll just eat nothing." He huffed.

Castiel used his fork to pick up several slices of apple inside the middle of the pie and offered it to Dean.

Dean looked at him warily.

"What? Castiel said. "I told you I only wanted the crust. He shrugged.

Dean eyed the pie being offered to him and slowly leaned forward to eat it off the fork.

Dean still looked grumpy, but Castiel got the crust he wanted.

Sam let out a snort, got up for a bottle of water, and announced that he was going back to sleep as he walked away.

"What's his deal?" Dean asked suspiciously.

Castiel gave Dean a hooded glance and shrugged again. "I don't really know."

The two of them finished off the pie and said their goodnights.

They went to their separate bathrooms to brush their teeth before going to their rooms.

Castiel laid in bed thinking over and over about what Sam had told him. He felt the humanized giddiness of happy panic. His insides were dancing as if fairies lived in him at the thought of Dean desiring him.

_But_…he had to make the first move? Castiel pondered this for a few moments, and without over thinking it, jumped out of his bed and tapped on Dean's door.

Dean answered the door with a "what?" He was wearing only boxer briefs. Castiel didn't speak as his eyes swept over every inch of Dean's toned body, glancing briefly at his crotch.

Dean snapped his fingers at Castiel.

"Hey, buddy, my eyes are up here." Dean said with an uncomfortable chuckle.

Castiel felt heat in his cheeks and hoped he wasn't blushing.

Castiel didn't care about how bad he was at being human. If what Sammy said was right, then he'd be doing whatever he could to make Dean feel as loved as Castiel loved him.

"Dean, I haven't been able to sleep all night, and I can't sleep now. Would you come read to me?" He said with downcast eyes, his long lashes touching his upper cheeks.

Dean's voice went soft. "Is the insomnia back? Do you have a headache? Of course I'll read to you. Give me one minute." Castiel smiled a thank you at Dean and went to his own room.

A few moments later Dean walked into Castiel's room where the light was so dim it was hard to see. Castiel had lit candles. He often did this to calm his nerves. The room smelled of lavender.

Dean went to the corner of the room to grab the chair he'd always sat in. Castiel stopped him.

"Come, sit here." He said, patting the edge of his queen sized bed and scooting over to give Dean plenty of space. Castiel was under the covers, so Dean stayed on top of them politely. He leaned against the head of the bed and began to read in that soothing tone of his.

But, Castiel didn't have sleep on his mind. Just as he told Sam, he had no idea what he was doing, but he was damn sure going to try to do it. As Dean read, Castiel inched closer and leaned his head on the hunter's shoulder. Dean stumbled a few words aloud and cleared his throat.

A few sentences later, Castiel sunk down lower in the bed so that he could lay his head on Dean's chest. Dean stopped reading for a moment, and sank down a few inches with Castiel. He continued to read where he'd left off. Castiel bravely placed his arm across Dean's stomach. Dean went on without a pause and casually slumped one arm around Castiel's shoulders.

Castiel felt doubt threaten his mind, but it wasn't as strong as the warmth that he got from being so close to his friend. Castiel loved the humming of Dean's voice ad he read. Being this close to Dean, being in his embrace, had brought all of the blood from his head to other areas of his body.

Dean made the next slouch down in the bed. They played this game until Dean's head lay squarely on one of Castiel's pillows, and Castiel's head lay on Dean's chest. Castiel hadn't let go of Dean, and he was happily laying with the hunter's arm around him. Castiel fake yawned, causing Dean to yawn as well.

"You sleepy enough to pass out yet?" Dean asked, a hint of worry in his speech.

"Uh uh" Castiel responded truthfully. He'd never been in want of sleep less in his mortal life.

"Well, I can't hold this book up for much longer." Dean said in an entirely too forced way. He spoke uncomfortably.

Castiel didn't respond. Dean bookmarked where he'd left off.

"Cas?"

"Dean?"

"Are we cuddling?"

There was a second of silence.

"I think so." Castiel said bravely, still with the covers between them to hide his hardness.

It took all of his strength to look up at Dean, who wore a small smile on his face.

"Cas… why are we cuddling?" Dean asked in a husky voice that he'd never heard the hunter use before.

"Because," Castiel said, laying his head back to Dean's chest, "You're warm, and comfortable, and you smell nice."

Dean chuckled and scooted down a few inches to be even with face Castiel. Dean took Castiel's head gently in his hands, forcing him to make eye contact.

"Is that the only reason, angel?"

Castiel frowned. "I'm not an angel anymore, Dean.

Dean leaned in so close to Castiel that he could feel Dean breathe against his lips.

"You'll always be my angel." Dean said and quickly let go, looking away.

With every ounce of bravery the newly mortal man had in him, Castiel spoke.

"Why won't you kiss me?" He asked Dean.

Dean turned back to face Castiel.

"Cas, you're pretty new to this whole "mortal" thing. Don't make me make a bad decision because you're feelings are fucked up." He spoke as a friend to Castiel.

Castiel had spent so much time wanting and _needing _Dean so that "friendship" wasn't exactly what was on his mind. He wanted more than that. He always had. Maybe turning mortal was the best thing that could've ever happened to Castiel.

"Dean. Do you want me?"

Dean took a moment to answer. He squirmed uncomfortably. Castiel glanced down to see a raised spot in Dean's sweatpants.

Castiel struggled to not let out any noise of excitement at this. He kept the feelings pushed down as far as possible, while his mind ran wild. He had a hard time containing himself, but he managed.

"What do you know of "wanting" someone, Cas?" Dean asked, still in the friend mode.

"I know that, before I was human, I wanted you. I know that the moment I turned mortal I could no longer hide my desire for you."

"Desire?" Dean said gruffly.

"Yes. I desire every inch of you. I always have." Castiel spoke more brazenly to Dean than he ever had. If getting Dean meant he had to bare his soul, then he was willing to do so.

"Whoah." Dean said, clearly shocked by what he'd heard.

"Who knew angels could talk dirty?"

Castiel got annoyed. He leaned up on his arm to better face Dean, to look into his beautiful abyss of green eyes.

"Stop. Toying. With. Me." Castiel spoke between gritted teeth, though he wasn't angry. He was consumed with frustration.

"Fine." Dean said. In an instant he pushed Castiel onto his back and was on top of him, blankets tossed from between them. Dean's lips met Castiel's. Castiel's pushed back hard against Dean's kiss

Dizziness encompassed the newly mortal Castiel. After all the pining, he was finally getting what he'd longed so relentlessly for since he'd met Dean. Castiel wasn't an experienced kisser, but followed Dean's lead to as best as he could. Their tongues played together in unison.

Dean embraced Castiel, rubbing their fully clothed bodies together.

Castiel bit down hard on Dean's lower lip and sucked his tongue. There was more desperation in this moment than Castiel had ever felt in all of his eons of age. He pushed his hips into Dean's. The most sensitive parts of their bodies clashed together making heat in Castiel's pants that had never existed before.

Castiel pulled at Dean's shirt desperately, dragging him in closer so he could reach his neck. "Big, bad" Dean gave out a moan as Castiel sucked on the spot below his ears.

"You don't want to do that." Dean said in a deadly serious voice.

"Make me stop, then." Castiel bit Dean's neck and kept a hold of him. It seemed as though the tension that the two men shared for each other was almost a fight.

"That's my spot." Dean said breathing hard. Castiel didn't stop sucking."

"Cas," Dean kept on, "You don't get what I'm saying."

That much was true. He didn't know what Dean meant when he said "That's my spot." The naïve fallen angel was much too innocent to understand. Dean finally pulled away from Castiel. Castiel fought to get to him, but Dean kept his hands pushing down on his shoulders, and kept straddling him, not enabling him to move, though Castiel fought against him in an almost viciously desperate way.

"There are certain temptations that I can't handle, Cas." Dean said breathing heavy. His eyes were a shade of green that Castiel had never quite seen, his pupils were large and he had a crazed look about him. This look turned Castiel on, and also made him feel very vulnerable.

"There are consequences when you push too far, and, buddy, you're pushing too far." Dean said. His eyes were blazing and arms shaking as he looked deep into Castiel's eyes and held him down.

Dean made the mistake of releasing his left hand from Castiel's shoulder to check and see if he was bleeding from where Cas had bit and sucked him into an oblivion of desire. Castiel grabbed Dean's neck with his freed arm and drug the hunter back to him. He kissed Dean roughly until, yet again, the hunter pulled away, pinning his best friend to the bed for certain this time.

"We're not doing this, Cas. I'm not going to fuck you." He said gently but with a firm tone. Not like this. Not because we're crazed, lust filled animals. You deserve better than that."

Immediately, Castiel was taken back to the first time he formally met Dean. The Dean who didn't think he deserved a_nything—_especially to be alive. And now he felt as though he didn't deserve to be loved. His heart ached at the hunter's words.

Castiel wouldn't give up that easily.

He gave up the fight and allowed Dean to hold him down, although still throbbing through his boxers. Castiel crooked his head sideways at Dean. "You still don't think you deserve to be loved, do you?" He asked, intrigue in his voice.

"I don't deserve to be loved by _you. _No matter the grace being gone, you're still an angelic creature. You're pure and lily white. That is why I will always call you "Angel."

"I'll stay lily white, regardless of what we do together." Castiel promised Dean.

"Just let me in." Castiel all but begged.

"Let me experience love." His eyes were watery.

Dean leaned down to kiss his friend again.

"How can I turn that down?" Dean asked.

"Please don't." Castiel said.

Dean and Castiel laid on their sides facing each other. Castiel had an innocent and expectant look planted on his face as he looked into the eyes of his best friend.

Dean inched closer to Castiel.

"Is this what you really want?" Dean asked so softly that Castiel could barely hear him.

"Yes, you're what I want. You have been from the moment I met you."

"Is that really how long this has been going on, Cas?"

"For me, at least." Castiel refused to look at Dean.

"As for you, you'd have to tell me."

"I can't tell you, but I _can_ show you." Dean took Castiel's face in his hands and kissed him long and slowly. There was passion in the kiss, but it was different. It was more of a gentle, unspoken "I love you."

Castiel closed his eyes to enjoy this new sensation.

Castiel stared at Dean when the kiss was over. Dean's hands were still around his face.

Without thinking, Castiel admitted the truth.

"I love you." He said, never breaking eye contact.

Dean froze and released Castiel's face.

"Don't tell me that, Cas." Dean said, staying inches from Castiel's lips."  
"I'm weak from holding it in." Castiel admitted.

Dean grazed his hands gently down Castiel's face.

Then, Dean said something Castiel hadn't ever even let himself imagined he'd say.

"I've loved you from day one, Castiel." He cast his head down as if with shame.

"I just couldn't ever imagine that someone so pure could see _anything_ worthy in me."

"I see all of heaven on earth in you, Dean Winchester." Castiel replied.

"And I see all the innocence of heaven and earth in you. You're the most amazing creature I've ever known."

The two men stared at each other, their eyes searching one another for a trace of what to do next.

Instantaneously, they grabbed each other's faces and began kissing again.

Castiel broke the kiss, trying to breathe normally.

"Dean," He started seriously, "I don't really know how to please you, but I want to… You'll have to be patient."

Dean gave a deviant laugh that made Castiel's stomach feel as though he'd dropped off of a ten story building.

Dean gentle straddled Castiel again, but allowed enough room to grab into the waistband of Castiel's pajamas. Castiel closed his eyes as Dean touched him.

Dean teased him for a few moments before Castiel began to untie the waistband of Dean's sweatpants. He was met by Dean's hand. Dean shook his head no.

Instead of trying to get the sweatpants off, Castiel felt Dean through them. He ran his hand along the print of the hunter's most sensitive area, while still dragging his face close so that he could nibble at Dean's neck.

Dean, for once, followed someone else's lead. He rubbed Castiel through his thin pajamas.

Castiel was experiencing pure ecstasy for the first time in his life. He was slightly afraid by the powerful force of excitement he was feeling, and wasn't sure what his body would do next. He removed Dean's hand because he was afraid of the outcome. He kept sucking Dean's neck, and rubbing him through his sweats.

"Castiel," Dean began with a desperate and needy voice, "if you don't stop, we're going to have a moment. A moment I'm not sure if you're prepared for."

Castiel's heart hammered in his chest and he didn't think once about aborting what he was doing.

"Cas…" Dean kept saying over and over, his voice hitching as Castiel continued.

"Don't do this to me." Dean whispered.

Castiel didn't respond, he just continued to devour every inch of the hunter.

"Cas…" Dean moaned into Castiel's ear once more before he released.

Dean raised up slowly and breathed abnormally while trying to cover the mess in his sweatpants.

Dean excused himself to clean up, and returned a few moments later wearing a towel around his waist.

Looking uncertain, the hunter got into Castiel's bed.

"Do you regret that?" Dean questioned, his breathing back to normal.

Castiel looked up at Dean with a satisfied smile. His eyes were beaming an innocent, baby blue.

"Not in the least."

Dean drug Castiel close, cradling him. He kissed the fallen one on his head.

"You're still lily white, aren't you, Angel?"

"I told you." Castiel smiled sweetly at Dean.

They held on to each other until they fell asleep. Castiel had never been happier in his long, long life.


End file.
